I had a lot
of trouble getting the fire going - it took me about an hour. I used my fire starters and kindling provided and finally
got it going. It states (on the fire starting instructions) that it takes about an hour to get things to a comfortable level.
3:10 pm
I don't think
this will be a totally silent retreat, as I brought a small radio, but this is solitary and quiet. It is warming up to some
extent.
I am at a
crossroads. I believe I have taken some positive steps. First, I have eliminated the job that has been the source of so much
frustration. My previous job gave a decent, though not great, paycheck, yet the frustrations and anger I have felt toward
the company for these past few years inhibited me from truly thinking and working toward my ministry goal. Though I am making
considerably less money, I should be happier.
4:25 pm
I read Galatians
Chapter 1. In this chapter Paul admonishes the church for turning away from God (as) they are trying to find a different way
to heaven that Paul feels does not lead to heaven at all. This opens the door to some other thoughts...
I have constantly
been surrounded by those who feel there is only one way to heaven. I am not sure at this point if there is only one way. It
is interesting that later in the book in Chapter 2 he admonishes Peter for eating with the Jews as opposed to the Gentiles.
Apparently, Peter was worried what the Jewish friends of James would think.
I sometimes
think of the strife that infects local churches right now. Often times it is issues with language and change. Often, people
hear what there experience allows them to hear, not what is really said. Words that have one meaning to people from a certain
culture or tradition have different meanings for others. People get an ax to grind and stop listening. People make quick judgments
and make rash decisions without reaching out.
5:40 pm
I have returned
from a short walk. The paths are extremely icy. The cabin is quite warm and very comfortable.
I finished
more of Galatians. Paul is concentrating on those Christians who feel that they must follow Jewish law. The point he makes
that I really like is this from Galatians 3:10 forward: "Yes and those who depend on the Jewish Laws to same them are under
God's curse, for the scriptures point out very clearly: 'cursed is everyone who at any time breaks a single one of these laws
that are written in God's Book of Law. Consequently, it is clear that no one can ever win God's favor by trying to keep the
Jewish laws..."
One thing
that I have struggled with is where law and rules fit into this ministry quest. I have spent time with many Christians who
are obsessed by rules. They feel that to be saved all that is required is faith, and to discard any vices. This faith to me
seems kind of dead. I have a friend who feels that all that is required is to believe that Jesus died for your sins and to
accept Christ as Savior. There is no emphasis on anything else. My friend tells me that according to my friend's law, works
are meaningless. There seems to be no love in this faith at all, just motivated self interest; in other words: "I just don't
want to go to Hell."
6:25 pm
It is getting
dark. This has been very peaceful. Honestly, I have never really been this alone before, at least not for a long time. It's
not the easiest thing. I thought this would clear my mind, but I have trouble quieting it down! I guess I am committed.
I feel a
bit on edge. I am used to so many stimuli! All I hear is the sound of the fireplace and the wind outside which has picked
up. I sometimes worry about the car parked a mile and a half away!
I have been
thinking about faith and the Civil War. I am amazed at the extent to which the generals and those fighting the war believed
that God was on each of their respective sides. Stonewall Jackson, for example, was very devout. The only think I kind
of have a problem with is the fact that they believed that killing was okay. I am especially troubled at his authorizing the
execution of deserters, his thought that giving the enemy "the bayonet" was okay. He felt that he had no control and all that
happened was God's will. These people truly believed that God approved of their war, their cause, and the killing.
We have these
same issues today. People actually believe that it is okay to do pre-emptive strikes, that it is okay to kill! The United Methodist Church must take a stronger stand on this stuff. We tend to want to be the Church that Doesn't Offend
Anyone.
My
God- I do not believe in a God that meddles actively in the affairs of
humans. We don't win wars because God is on our side, we don't necessarily get well because God heals us. A lot of these things
are left up to us. If we act accordingly to how God wants us to act, and we do the things that Christians should do,
then generally things will work out for the better. I have freewill issues, and issues of science.
Evolution- Evolution is okay by me. We really don't know how life came about on this planet, other
than that God created it. The creation story is an attempt by those of the time to come to grips with the why and how of it
all. I take things as true, but not necessarily in a literal sense. Therefore, evolution works for me because Genesis says
to me: "God created."
7:10 pm
More Galatians:
Paul speaks of Abraham. God declared him fit because he believed God's promises. Paul goes on to say that the children of
Abraham are those who truly trust in God.
Trusting
in God...what does this mean TODAY? We are told to trust in God for
everything. "God will provide." Yet, to try to operate like this in today's society can get you nowhere on your faith journey.
Perhaps,
"trusting in God" means that good things ten to happen to those who live out their faith. In other words, those that do God's
will tend to be blessed because they do not sow the seeds of evil. I don't know if I have the faith that says that things
are in "God's hands" as God also has given us freewill to choose. The only way I can reconcile this is that trusting in God
roughly translates to trusting in the word of God - that what we are told to do is true, and that if we base our actions on
Christ's model, we are trusting in Christ's message.
I have little
patience for those that say bad things happen because God wills it. God wills no evil on anyone. I am struck by C.S. Lewis'
experience after his wife Joy died. Lewis was miserable, and some said to him: "At least you have your faith." Lewis reacted
angrily to this. Much like when he was a child and lost his mother, he had a hard time dealing with the nature of a God that
let such bad things happen to people. I have never read how he eventually dealt with that. I believe, knowing Lewis as I do
though his other writings, that he realized that God does not cause bad things to happen, sometimes they just do.
I cannot
buy into a God that is active and wills good or bad things to happen. As I think about the American Civil War, over 450,000
soldiers died in that war, It was bloody, brutal, and the pain and suffering not only on the fight men but on may of the civilian
population was terrible. God was on neither side.
I am sure
that God did not like slavery, yet I am sure that God would condemn the actions of abolitionist John Brown, who used violence
in his campaign against slavery. Also, God would have no love for any of the violent rebellions, even those initiated by the
slaves, that marked the era of abolition of slavery. God does not will the evil of violence. He cannot! One of God's commandments is: YOU SHALL NOT KILL.
By the way,
regarding the Ten Commandments, I learned something interesting regarding the Ten Commandments monuments that are outside
some of the courthouses. Interestingly, a number of these were promotional items for the movie of the same name. They were
not originally put there by the government. Their original purpose was to sell a film. Interesting.
In regards
to the commandment "Thou shall not kill," many who support the death penalty have stated that a more literal translation should
be: "Thou shall not murder." Many denominations also state that the Old Testament gives the authority to kill. To me,
and to most people, murder is a pre-meditated action. That's why we have different degrees of killing, from accidental to
heinous plotted plans. Well, I can think of nothing more pre-meditated than strapping someone to a gurney and injecting them
with lethal drugs. Christ said that how we treat the least among us is how we treat Christ. I would place a convicted first
degree murderer in the "least among us" category.
I understand
that there needs to be a measure of justice. However, God has not given
us the right to kill. If we kill, we are no better than those we execute. Christ preached mercy to our enemies, not the sword!
Galatians
Again - I really like what Paul says in Galatians 3:26-28: For now we
are all children of God through faith in Jesus Christ, and we who have been baptized into union with Christ are enveloped
by him. We are no longer Jews, or Greeks, or slaves, or free men or women, but we are all the same - we are Christians; are
one in Jesus Christ."
Why don't
we take t his to heart more? We are bound and determined to make ourselves "American Christians" and ignore the rest of the
world. We do this with our foreign policy that places economic interests over the good of the people. We divide ourselves
up into denominations that exclude some from the table. What Paul seems to be saying is that whatever nationality, sex, gender,
etc. it doesn't matter. We are all united in our Christian faith.
The death
penalty bothers me a lot. The United Methodist Church takes a strong stand against the death penalty. Yet our current President Bush is directly responsible for approving well over 100 death warrants. It is bothersome that Bush is a United
Methodist, as our Discipline directly states in the Social Principles that the death penalty is wrong.
Moving on
with Galatians, Galatians starts out with stating that if a Christian is overcome by sin, those of us who are godly
should gently help them back to the right path. He commands us to "share in each other’s burdens and troubles, and to
obey the Lords command. If anyone thinks themselves above this, they are wrong." I particularly like this. This seems
to reinforce our responsibility to each other. This was something John Wesley firmly believed in - the accountability to each
other. I remember him writing on issues of "backsliding." Yet, Paul tells us to do this "gently." What does Paul mean by "gently."
I see "gently"
as showing Christian love to each other. To admonish gently would be to speak to the person in live, in concern, but not in
judgment. I have always been wary of denominations that have all the answers, admonish us harshly and with threats of
eternal damnation if we sin, and exclude any that they feel don't measure up.
Paul goes
on to write: "Each of us must bear some faults and burdens of his own. For none of us is perfect!" I think that as people
of God, and as clergy, we must keep this in mind. It is easy to sit in the seat of power and judge. When one is in a position
of power, people "below" are more likely than not to take that person seriously. If the words coming from the person in power
(the pastor, for example) are shaming, much damage can be done, and those receiving the shaming words will pick up that it
is okay to be shaming. As church leaders, we must make a concerted effort to be "gentle, " to be loving, and to be prepared
to share in others problems and troubles, and reserve judgment.
Children's
Living Bible - I know the Living Bible is a paraphrase, but I have a soft
spot for my Children's Living Bible. It's pretty used, and was used as much as the Revised Standard Version that I received
from my church in the 4th grade. I have always liked the illustrations by Richard and Frances Hook. They appear throughout
the bible, but never really coincide with the text they appear next to.
It is difficult
to find time just to read and reflect on the Bible. This opportunity today has opened up a book to me that was unfamiliar.
Since there isn't a lot to do, no distractions, etc., this has been a very positive part of this experience.
Prayer- A pastor at my mother's church once said that prayer is not for God - it is more for us. Almost
like you pray and verbalize your thoughts it is a type of inexpensive psychotherapy. I often wonder how effective prayer is.
I do, however, believe it is helpful to verbalize your thoughts and to a similar degree, your sins. Yet, God knows all your
sins, so why verbalize. Well, prayer is the instrument we use to talk directly to God. By verbalizing your thoughts, concerns,
and confessions to God, we remind ourselves that this is not all about us.
I have difficulty
in believing that God directly answers prayers. There is an old Lutheran adage that states that God answers prayers with either
a yes or no! Yet, there are people who insist that prayer has healed, changed hearts, and changed the world. The scientist/cynic
in me explains it away as coincidence. It remains one of the mysteries of faith.
11:00 p.m.
I have now decided to retire for the evening.
Tuesday
03-08-05
